It's the rush the cockroaches feel at the end of the world.

11:10 am - New Tat

I finally got my chest piece finished.



( Check this shit out! )

07:42 pm

Woo, well I haven't updated in fucking forever. I've been too busy doing absolutely nothing. Impressive huh?

I got another scholarship in the mail yesterday. That was pretty sweet.

I also got my hair cut today. I love confusing the fuck out of people at pro-cuts. Yah that's right I get my hair cut at pro cuts. The only place you can do whatever the fuck you want to your hair and only spend ten bucks. I used to not even have to pay anyone, but I never see my old hair cut lady anymore so *shrugs*

I think I might go to chickasha next weekend. Go up for a day or something.

I really like my new hair cut. I'll bet it will get some reactions tomarrow though at school. hahaha stupid rednecks.

10:52 pm

Yay, another wonderful Valentines Day is coming up. I wonder if I will get any suprises. Wait, actually I'm not wondering that. It was a complete and utter lie. I rule, huh?

So I basically was informed by the girl I was dating last night that she no longer wants to date. Which is awesome because I like her and because I spent all my money taking her out and ordering her Valentines Day presents (non-refundable might I add) and now I need cash for smokes.

So not only will I be all by myself again this year, but I will also be broke and probably crawling on the floor freaking out on everyone because I can't get my nicotine fix. I mean c'mon everyone knows that smokey lungs are better than a love-filled heart. Duh, losers quit being in love and start smoking insulation.

I think I'll get really super shit-faced on Valentines day in my bed. I mean drink so much that I don't remember what happened and pass out next to a plaid skirt and a few used condoms. That way at least I'll wake up thinking I had got some loving. Man I rule!

09:20 pm

I want a cute girl with pig tails and a plaid skirt or a skinny boy with tight pants and hair that is always in his eyes.

Today was the suck. It's Bob Marley's b-day though so yah.

I've been smoking alot of pot lately. I don't even think I've been drunk in the past two weeks. Maybe I'm mellowing out or something.

I just finished reformatting my hard-drive again. Apparently spy-ware loves me. Yay!!!

"Dear spyware,

Please be my Valentine. It's so apparent that you love me. You are constantly breaking into my computer and leaving me things everywhere. You are so sweet to litter my computer with tons of porn pop-ups and slowing down everything. I would love nothing more than to spend all day with you on the fourteenth.

love,
Tyler"

11:22 pm

You know what? If people actually liked me, it would probably make getting a date a hell of alot easier. I hate thinking I have a chance with someone and they give off the vibe that they don't really care one way or the other. It would be nice to find someone that was at least somewhat attracted to me. That would be grand.

I'm really feeling some Taco Bell tomarrow. I wonder if I'll find any money. I need to buy another pack of cigs tomarrow too. Money = sucks.

They hung some of my art in the lobby at school. I thought that was pretty cool. I'm pretty proud of one of the pieces they hung. I just hope I get it back soon because I need it for my portfolio.

I've filled out so many applications for scholarships and other stuff for college lately. It's getting old fast, but I'll need them so it's all worth it in the long run.

I really want to be in a band again. I wish I was still doing vocals for Thaddeus. I wish we would have done more when I was in it. They seem to be doing quite well right now though, more power to them. I'll have to go check them out sometime.

I can't decide if I want to go to Blood Brothers or Eighteen Visions next month. I think I'm going to the Cattle Decapitation show later this month with Scott. He said he would pay for my ticket if I gave him a ride. Sounds like a fair deal.

09:05 pm

Tomarrow starts my new diet. I wish I could totally drop cheese from my diet but I know I don't have the will power to stop all at once. I think I shall start by just eating a hell of alot less of it. I'm not trying to be fully vegan or anything but just have decided to start eating alot healthier. I've also been thinking alot on the subject of quiting smoking and starting to work out again. I don't know if either of those will happen though. It's nice to think that I would though.

So tonight I pig out... okay not really but I'll eat my last slice of cheese pizza for a while. I think Taco Bell should be expecting to see alot more of me soon. Yumm.... Bean Burrito Fresco Style.

Work was slow as fuck today.

Party Friday!!!

11:56 pm

Fuck you, you stupid fucking bitch. Where do you think you have any right calling me on your fucking day off in the middle of the night, waking me up to tell me I call too much and that I'm not a big part of your fucking life anymore. Who the fuck do you think you are telling me this shit. Did you not think it would make me feel like shit? Did you not think it would break me down even further than you've already made me. Fuck you! I can't believe I could ever fucking love someone that would make me feel the way you do now. I can't believe I ever fucking forgave your cheating ass all those times. They should have been clues that you didn't love me as much as I loved you. But fucking love makes you blind I guess. Let me tell you one thing you fucking bitch. You will never find someone that loves you as much as I did. You will also never hurt someone as much as you have me. I call too much? Sorry for fucking believing the lies you feed me. Sorry for thinking what you tell me is true. Sorry for getting upset with you. Sorry for ever fucking talking to you. Keep moving on with your fucking life. Maybe I'll move on with mine, or maybe I will be bitter over this forever. You hurt me more than you could ever fucking imagine tonight Tosha. I hope you never fucking forget this heart that you have broken. Now I'm left to pick up the pieces of another fucking mess that you've created. I should have dumped your ass the first time you cheated. I can't believe I ever loved someone that could do this to me. I can never stress enough how fucking shitty you have made my life. I think about you all the time...... because it was true love, at least for me it was. I have no fucking clue what was going on in your head.

A little advice to any girls. Don't tell anyone anything unless you absolutely mean it. You will hurt someone eventually. I'll tell you right now that the toughest people will still break down.

Fuck you Tosha Nicole Burris. I'm sorry I ever fucking loved you because obviously it's nothing but a fucking burden on you now. Have fun with your stupid fucking boyfriends, have fun with the people you will throw away in a few months time. I hope none of them get too attached for their sake.

08:33 am

I really want something real. Something that I can have in front of me so I can see that it exists. Im through with these lame feelings that never go anywhere or get smashed before anything develops. I just want something to long for. To hold and be held. Kiss and be kissed. Love and be loved. And I guess the lame rant stops now.

In other news, I feel like shit. Stupid sickness. I held it together yesterday at work and for a little while after that but I feel like shit this morning.

I need some liquids now.

<3tyler

10:05 pm

Well today was good for the most part. I went to school and then got drunk with Walker at lunch for his birthday. It was great fun. Then I passed out in fourth hour and drooled all over my paper. Which was also great fun.

Then work, which sucked for the most part because I was so damn tired.

Then I picked up Walker's B-day present but I didn't get until he was already off of work so I couldn't come bring it back to him. I'll give it to him tomarrow in first hour. I think I made him mad, I didn't mean to. Honestly Walker I'm sorry if I made you mad.

Man I want it to be next year. I need to get out of this town and out on my own somewhat. Meet new people and see some old ones.

11:11 pm

Today:

(+)Walker came and picked me up this morning so I didn't have to walk
(+)Me and Walker were the only people allowed to drink Hot Chocolate in first hour
(+)Me and Walker went to La Fiesta for lunch and it was pretty damn good if you ask me
(+)I got my fucking car back!!! yay Tyler's got wheels again.
(+)I worked all of third hour on shading my bottle drawing in Art 4, I didn't get much done but I like what I did
(-)The Fuckhead Black kid in fourth hour messed with me again, but I decided I'm not taking anymore of his shit.
(+)Work was actually fun for the most part. Well after Walker showed up it was fun. Plus it wasn't as cold as it was yesterday.
(+)Me and Kay Kay kicked it for a bit when she went to go lock up Quizno's.

Now I'm here at home in my bed all cuddled up with some blankets and talking to some really cool people, listening to music that makes me happy, despite not being what I normally listen to.

I've been listening to alot less heavy stuff lately. Actually I don't think I've listened to anything heavy since my car was put in the shop. I've been listening to ALOT of Saddle Creek bands and pretty much anything Conor (the only conor people don't ask who) has touched. I like mellow music, go figure.

I can't decide whether I want to cut my hair or not.

08:50 pm

Today was kind of bland until after school. I got made fun of in fourth hour by some black kid with beads in his hair that was calling me a fag. Yup sounds like a typical day but I don't really care about all of that anymore. At least I'm finally talking back to them instead of just ignoring. It feels good to make people feel stupid.

Craig stopped by for a bit. It was cool to see him. He moved back into town for a couple of months until he has enough money saved up to go back to college for a few more semesters. He took his guitar back though, so now I don't have anything to write/record with. So I guess I'll have to find someone else to loan me one. He did say he wanted to join Bridge Creek Fire & Rescue with me though. So that's cool.

Then me and Walker drove around for a bit and raced some riced out Cavalier. That was fun for us/embarassing for him. Then we saw him slowing down so we were like what the fuck? and then we saw the cop that was turning in front of us and we turned off the highway and parked to act like we weren't doing anything. That was funny, but slightly scary.

Now I'm listening to some chill out music and looking for a cut hair cut. You guys should give me some suggestions if you feel like it.

09:09 pm

Need I say how good the new Bright Eyes Cd "I'm Wide Awake It's Morning" is? I think not. Get it if you haven't already. I don't care how you get it, just get it. You'll thank me, trust me.

Today was alright. I rented Napolean Dynomite and Shaun of the Dead. I watched Napolean Dynomite tonight and I must say it was a really damn good movie. I don't know that it was worth as much hype as it got but it was damn good. I'm looking forward to seeing Shaun of the Dead tomarrow. I'm sure it will be funny too.

I need a ride home tomarrow from school. Hopefully I'll be able to find one, or else I'm walking home. Boy, would that suck. I'm sure I'll be able to find one though. If not I'll just show a little leg and some old guy will give me a lift.

Becki just sent me the most retarded song ever. "Mothers Day" by Blink 182. Now I remember why I never listened to them. It was funny though, I will give them credit for that.

New year's resolutions: Get back down to 150 pounds. Make true friends. Be true to myself. Get new Car. Get Bridge Creek Fire & Rescue demo finished within the next few months.

Current Mood: content

07:29 pm

Well my car just died. I think that tonight might have been either the last or one of the last times I will ever drive it. I'm pretty sure it's dead and almost burried now. The transmission went out right after I got two of my tires replaced. That's $104 people. Aint that a bitch.

In other news cigs went up today. I need to go down to the Indian Smoke Shop to see if their prices also went up 50 cents a pack. I hope not, I live on nicatine and caffeine.

I think I will clean my room tomarrow. It looks like a someone threw all my shit in the floor. And that person is named..... dun dun dun Tyler. I need to work on some art tomarrow too. My portfolio is still too small to take up to Chickisha. I need to go to the thrift stores on 23d Street in OKC soon too. Maybe me and kay will go sometime soonish.

Also I edited my friend's list on this livejournal. If you are one of the following names I kindly ask that you take me off of your friends list also.

angikins
mothflakes
un_lovely1

Right-e-o let's get this party started.

03:58 pm

Today was a long day. I'm glad Wal-Mart wasn't busy or else I would have been fucked at work. I was all groggy from the night before. Speaking of which, New Year's Eve was pretty fun. I'm glad I wasn't driving though because everyone kept talking about how many cops were out on the prowl.

I also had my first tire blowout yesterday. I was going to OKC and my driver's side front tire blew up at 80 MPH. It wasn't all that scary even though I could have died or got seriously injured. I didn't even know it was my tire that blew until I pulled over. I thought my transmission had finally gone out and my engine was was acceleraion jus at the flywheel. It was an interesting sound o hear.

Well now I have to go to Wal-Mart again for today to get two tires replaced on my car. This wouldn't be such a hassle if I didn't have to be with them the entire process because they don't know how to work my car.

02:21 pm

( New hair, New 1 )

Oh and attention everyone. I in no way said I was thinking of killing myself. I'm sorry if you misunderstood what I said. I merely meant leave this town, move to someplace where no one new me. Sorry for the confusion. Now let's fucking move on.

12:11 am

Insert complaint here.
< return >
Insert bullshit comments here
< return >
Insert non-witty reply that results in more insults/bullshit comments
< return >
Insert emoticon to show that you are amazed by how retarded this whole situation is
< return >
Insert anonomous comment posts that do not help the situation anymore along with other people's opinions

< delete > showing emotion in my journal, apparently using a journal for it's sole purpose is bad
< delete > person you thought was a friend
< delete > feeling bad about the situation even though you know you did nothing wrong
< delete > thinking your opinion matters any to me

I need some soup or maybe a book or two. No thanks I'd rather sit in my room and cry all day long.

Hi my name is Tyler GRAY.
My hobbies include parting my hair and slitting my wrists.
I enjoy sitting in dark corners and contemplating the end of my life.

11:27 pm - Just forget me, it's that simple...

I'm quite sure it's impossible to be feeling good for an extended period of time. I'm finding the line between keeping myself sane and letting myself go is becoming completely blurred. As if I wouldn't know it would kill me to go see her again, I still went. It amazes me that the one thing that can make you feel like you couldn't be more complete can also make you feel as if someone gutted you clean. As I'm laying in bed recovering from whatever it is I'm feeling I can't even begin to rationalize my feelings, emotions, or thoughts. I've been getting these attacks. I don't know what to call them but I've had them for several years and they are coming back again. Shortness of breath, feeling of everything breaking completely apart, extreme lonliness, not wanting to talk to anyone, not wanting to be comforted, wanting nothing but to curl up and let it all out. Only letting it all does not relieve any of the pain, it just drains you even further. I thought I was getting better, I was having fun, meeting new people, letting people actually get to know me. Now I just want to take it all back, take back every piece of me that I let anyone get to know. At least that way no one could hurt me, no one would know me... I wouldn't exist as far as anyone would be concerned. Love is such a fucking cruel thing. Everything goes sour given time. Somethings you learn in time, but in time you begin to see that everything is merely a repeat of a previous experience. Everything is the same if you break it apart and examine it. I look back on my life and see that nothing has really changed. Pain has just moved...

11:53 pm

Well, I can't fucking sleep. So here I am on the internet looking at who knows what. And by that I do not mean porn... I did that earlier. haha

I decided to suprise Tosha Monday/Tuesday. She is sad because she wanted to come down New Years to visit me but she has to work all week. I'm going to just stroll in to where she works until she notices me. It will be cute. Real cute. She won't expect it at all. I have it all planned out. I'll drive up to Enid on Monday afternoon. Make a stop in OKC at Mystical Illusions to pick up some 1" screwlets since I don't have any hollow jewelry at my 1" size that I'm at now. Then I'll drive to Enid (about three hours away from where I live) and mess around there for a little bit to let her get into her shift enough to where she starts ignoring most people that walk in. Then I'll walk in wearing a beanie and some sunglasses (yes I like to wear sunglasses even at night) and stroll around her Blockbuster until she notices that I'm there. She'll crap her pants, but in a good way.

I need to get new sunglasses, or try to buy Krissen's off of her.

I'm listening to All-American Rejects. I remember going to see these guys several times before they blew up all over MTV. I remember enjoying their poppy sounds and emo lyrics. I however do not remember how shitty their recordings were. Oh well, I have a wierd fascination with shitty pop/pop-punk bands. Oh no, did I just type that? I hope my SCENEXXXPOINTS don't go down. Quick put Terror on!

*Runs out of the room and floor punches your Grandma*

11:05 pm

I hope everyone had a happy holiday, I know I did. I'm loving this break from school and I still have another week left. I'm having such a great time sitting at home and watching shitty DVD's. Here's all the shit I've bought/recieved in the past couple of days:

HP Notebook (that's right I have my own fucking laptop now and this is the first post on it)
Guitar Stand
Guitar Picks
Alkaline Trio Halloween DVD (my brother didn't know I bought it the day it came out like a year ago)
Dazed and Confused DVD
Fight Club Special Edition DVD
You Got Served DVD
Gift Card for Best Buy

Yah this Christmas was pretty good. Sounds like everyone else had a really shitty one. Oh well, there's always next year.

I wish Tosha would answer her cell phone, that would be really cool.

12:28 pm

Today marks for the second day in a row that I have slept until noon. This is very odd for me because I don't think I've slept late since the school year has began. Gone are my weekends to sleep in, instead I get to wake up about as early as I do for school and go to work. It feels good to sleep late again but it throws me off time all day. Oh well, at least the days go by quicker.

Tosha never called me last night. I waited until about 10:30 and then finally gave up waiting (I've never been good at waiting) and called her. She answered and said she was just about to call me. She said she had been taking meds all day because she has a cold and that she was about to pass out. We only talked 5 minutes max. I really miss her and I can't stand this not talking shit. It's pathetic and I don't know why we aren't talking. If something is going on she needs to tell me and keep me from worrying more about everything than I already am. She said she was going to call me today. We'll see what happens.

I really do not want to go to work today. It's colder than it was last night and last night was almost unbearable. I know it's going to suck, but Wal-Mart will be closed Saturday so I won't work and Sunday is supposed to be warmer according to my mom. Whatever it's still stupid cold outside.

Pictures soon I promise.